


My love, leave yourself behind

by YingCas



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alcohol, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, But it's okay, Canon Compliant, Domestic Fluff, Fluff, Foul Language, Hurt/Comfort, I don't know how to write smut, I tag all of my stories mature by default, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Kind of Growing up together, M/M, WayV - Freeform, and there is also, but no smut, but there is nothing too explicit here, click me, just in case, or kinda?, the characters cuss, they have a small party and xuxi suffers, to see what happens
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-21
Updated: 2020-04-09
Packaged: 2021-02-28 22:34:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 22,161
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23244865
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/YingCas/pseuds/YingCas
Summary: Kun struggles with the pressure of being a leader. Ten makes everything both easier and harder at the same time.
Relationships: Chittaphon Leechaiyapornkul | Ten/Qian Kun
Comments: 51
Kudos: 177





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I was inspired to write KunTen after watching their cute Instagram live in January (where they lied on a hotel bed together and were all cute and domestic) and I came up with this story while listening to My Love by Sia on repeat. That’s pretty much all I have to say for now. I hope you enjoy this!

Kun and Ten… They were something different.

They met for the first time in late 2015 when Kun became a trainee. Ten was a rookie back then and had been performing with the seniors of the company in concerts and even on TV for a while already. Not that Kun knew him beforehand - he had come from China after all - but he learned quickly enough that he should see him as someone above him. They learned early on that they would both debut in a China line up - _if_ Kun proved his worth.

But nothing really came of it, not at first. They weren’t strangers, but not friends either. They weren’t even roommates, their relationship was purely based on the fact that they were the same age and not part of any stable NCT unit yet. Kun was busy flying back and forth trying to finish his University degree, and Ten was mostly friends with the Korean members, or should he say, the _original NCT members_. They got along alright, or as well as one could get along with the nosy Thai.

The start of WayV didn’t change much in their relationship. Ten still found the time to hang out with the members from other units and Kun had his hands full trying to lead his new kids. Sicheng helped him a lot, being more experienced on stage, and Kun was thankful for it. He would have never actually been able to do it all alone and Ten was of no help whatsoever. But he didn’t even speak proper Chinese yet so it wasn’t like Kun was expecting much from him. Even Dejun, who was over three years younger than the damn Chittaphon and had only just debuted, was able to offer more help to Kun than him.

Okay, maybe Kun was secretly a bit bitter for not getting the support that he craved from his fellow ‘96 liner, but it wasn’t like Ten was doing _nothing_. The moment they stepped in the dance practice room, the dynamic changed and Ten stepped up his game, much to Kun’s amusement. And most of the glow of their performances was polished by Ten.

Well, it was thanks to Kun they made it to the practice room at all but okay, Ten did his part at the things he was the best at. What else could Kun really ask for? _He_ had been assigned to be the leader, not Ten.

It was only after they flew to China to start promoting their debut that their relationship changed. Ten changed. Carrying the burden of suddenly being the only foreigner in the group, the one that the children looked up to (well, mostly Dejun and Guanheng since Yangyang walked over each and every one of them) and struggling with completely unfamiliar surroundings, started to take a toll on the Duracell bunny. Ten began spending a lot of time with Kun, after the schedules of the day and on early mornings when it had previously been only Kun awake sipping his bitter coffee.

Ten needed a lot of physical contact to feel content and loved, Kun learned. Kun was very different himself, as he yearned for more time alone, but it wasn’t like he minded that much when Ten came to him. He still bickered with Ten, even more than before now that they lived closer to each other and spent all their time together, but it was all compensated with cuddling and late-night conversations. The management took one look at them and decided that the dynamic that they should push for would be “constantly bickering”. They were right, it fit them, but it wasn’t like that was all they were.

One simply couldn’t be in the same group with someone they couldn’t stand. Compromises had to be made, people had to learn to get along because otherwise, it would just be complete hell. Everyone knew that. And it wasn’t like Kun and Ten despised each other, they were just different and honestly, no matter how well you thought you knew someone and got along with them, they would start rubbing against you the wrong way sooner or later if you lived the idol lifestyle. But they became kind of like your siblings in the process as well - you fought, you made up, you fought, you made up, always returning back to each other because you simply couldn’t get rid of them either.

Ten came out to Kun quite quickly after their debut, and Kun couldn’t say that he was surprised. He saw the way Ten looked at Johnny, he had seen the pain in his eyes every time Johnny pushed him away and laughed it off. Ten never said anything, but it was obvious. Ten laughed and said that he was just open-minded when people started to suspect his preference, but when he was tired and became the butt of the joke once more, Kun felt sorry for him.

Kun had never had to question his own sexuality. He didn’t have the time to date, joggling between university and trainee life, and even before that, he had been an overachiever trying to get straight As at school and perfecting his musical skills. He hadn't paid much attention to the girls who tried to get his attention. He did go on a few dates with a couple of them but they always dumped him for not having time for them. Kun couldn't say that his heart was damaged. And after joining SM he learned to appreciate masculine beauty maybe a bit too much but he never thought about it further. So what, if he liked men as well? It wasn’t like he had time for any gender in that way, he had his work and he was engaged to it. Married to it. Married WITH KIDS. 

Carrying the burden of a leader got heavy, even if he was just a puppet himself. Being an idol meant being a puppet, Kun knew it very well, it was just that as a leader, he had to take care of so many moving parts as the puppet master kept dragging him across the stage. The kids leaned on him a lot: Dejun was homesick and Guanheng kept doubting himself, Xuxi was always tired from his work, and because of this hyper persona that he was supposed to keep up all the time. Yangyang was mentally alright but Kun’s mother hen instincts just forced him to always double-check the youngest, and Sicheng kept overworking himself. Kun started to reach out for Ten’s company as well, he spent more time in his room when Xuxi was away, and they shared their worries instead of throwing them at each other. Kun didn’t blame the kids for adding to his burden though. They were struggling and honestly, Kun would much rather know what was going on straight away than jump around them trying to figure out what it could be. It wasn’t their fault that they were struggling. It was just that… Kun had his own worries and moments of weakness as well.

But luckily, he had Ten to share them with. 

“Does it hurt?”

Ten turned to look at him from where he had been rubbing his foot. Kun worried about him - he had barely had the time to recover before jumping right back to work. That damn foot had taken so many chances from him already; he could have debuted in 127 or joined the U promotions more. If it were to take even this from him, Kun would damn sure curse all heavens and earth for ruining everything. Not to mention, he would be extremely lonely and sad without him.

“It always does after practice, it’s not a big deal”, Ten shook his feet and reached to take the hot mug of tea that Kun had brought with him. He still made sure to always have a concrete reason to come to Ten’s room, just like he had at first. Ten most likely saw through it, and it wasn’t like there was anything wrong with reaching out for company but it was just a habit. Kun did not want to seem like there was anything going on, he was just bringing tea for his friend and staying for a while alriGHT.

They became good friends. Close. Kun didn’t need to overthink everything he was going to say anymore, knowing that Ten would understand him easily. It was all going so well, the whole group was working well together and Kun was finally, _finally_ calm because he felt like he knew what he was doing and he did his job well. There was nothing to worry about.

And then… it all changed again.

Okay, there was alcohol involved. Of course, there was. Kun would have NEVER let anything lead to that had he been in the right state of mind.

But did he regret it?

They were celebrating their first win - the Best New Asian award that they got from MAMA 2019. They had worked their butts off to prepare the performance and especially Ten and Lucas were completely exhausted after running between SuperM and WayV promotions for months. But, they had all made it, no mistakes in their performance, and their first award shined brighter than anything ever had before. Each of them took their time to hold it like it was their newborn child.

“You can do whatever you want, for as long as you STAY in the dorms”, Their manager had said, before leaving them on their own. They had wanted to celebrate right away but the flying schedules didn’t let them. So, they planned a small party in their dorms right when they got back to Korea. Even the manager had a small smile on his face as he left - he probably went to spend a night at home for once and they really were alone. The management had granted them three bottles of red wine and another three of soju, as well as an amount of fried chicken that would feed an entire army. However, for the kids, that was not enough - not even close.

“Manager ge said no going out”, Sicheng protested as Yangyang and Guanheng built their plan to get more alcohol from the nearby market. They looked up at Sicheng, blinked, and then back down to their phones speaking in hushed tones.

“Ahh, let them be, it could actually be fun and it’s not like they will die out there”, Ten said and sipped straight from the wine bottle. They were not celebrating sophistically at all, rather just trying to get as drunk as possible as fast as possible - just like some College students. Now that Kun thought about it, they really were like them, age-wise. Maybe they should get drunk and celebrate, now that they actually had the chance. Wait, what?

“Ah no - Kun? Voice of reason? Kun-ma?”

“I don’t know, what’s the worst that could happen?” Kun asked and Sicheng turned to look at him with a scandalous look on his face.

“How much have you drunk? What did you feed him Ten?”

“Ah I’m not drunk”, Kun stood up to prove his point. Maybe they had made sure he downed some of the alcohol first, being the leader and all but honestly, he wanted to feel like he was a college kid as well just once. SM wouldn’t kick him out now, not after all he had done for them. However, he _did_ have the responsibility to carry, and he would do that, even if it was the last thing he did.

“Yang, Heng, you are going to the closest store and back, no rendezvous. I’m expecting you back before eight o’clock and you are taking Ten with you. Understood?”

Okay, looking back, sending Ten with the kids had not been the brightest idea. Because once they returned, they had enough alcohol to serve an entire army as well. So, what did they do with all that?

They played drinking games, like any responsible - ah no, like any _young, irresponsible adults in their early twenties_ \- would do. Dejun started giggling first and he leaned his head on Guanheng’s shoulder, much to his amusement. Yangyang seemed to be able to hold his liquor surprisingly well, and Kun was beginning to wonder what kind of a machine kid he had gotten from the company. Yangyang handled everything scary well. But so did Ten, although Kun had no trouble imagining him drinking before. Sicheng was completely red and Guanheng looked sleepy, leaning against the giggling Dejun. Kun felt himself relax as well, leaning against the sofa behind him and drinking yet again because he was the worst at the games that required speed.

Xuxi was not playing with the rest of them. Everyone had noticed him being tense and quiet, and Kun was quite sure it was just the nerves and tiredness catching upon him. Kun had tried to speak to him but Xuxi had assured him that he was fine. So, really, there was nothing Kun could do. Xuxi kept texting on his phone, drinking quietly as the rest of them played, and Kun tried to keep an eye on him. They all understood to leave him alone, give him space, and Kun was glad that they did.

Xuxi’s night ended early though. It wasn’t even ten o’clock when he started throwing up, and Kun couldn’t understand how he hadn’t been able to track just how much the younger had drunk. Because he was in bad shape. Kun was leaning against the door frame and Dejun patted Xuxi’s back as he threw up in the toilet and mumbled something incoherent. Kun didn’t even know what language it was but Dejun seemed to understand him, whispering something to him in return to calm him down.

It was the nerves, it was definitely the nerves, it had to be, right? Yangyang, Guanheng, and Sicheng kept playing the drinking game in the living room pretty much unbothered, and Ten was preparing Xuxi’s bed for him. He would be alright in the morning.

Another wave of nausea hit the poor boy and Kun turned away, knowing that there was nothing he could do yet again.

“He has been under so much pressure lately”, Ten whispered to Kun as they finally got the giant to bed. He had passed out as though someone had turned a light switch, and Ten kneeled next to him, stroking his hair. “The poor boy just debuted and now he has to perform on the same stage, on the same _level_ as fucking Taemin and EXO”

Ten sounded almost mad but most of all, tired.

“What about you?” Kun asked. Ten just kept looking at Xuxi.

“I’m used to it”, he sighed. The images of pre-debut Ten from his Thai idol days flashed in Kun’s eyes but he shook them off quickly. Ten looked like such a caring big brother now, handsome and safe, the image of him with red hair singing _Baby_ would NOT ruin the moment!

Also, at that moment, the professional distance between himself and Ten really hit Kun. Ten had been performing for years, on different stages, when Kun had only just made his debut. He wondered how he could ever lead someone like him well when he was so inexperienced in comparison. Even Xuxi had more experience than him now, Kun had no idea how to comfort him. But Ten knew. Ten had experience, he had skill and understanding. Maybe it was time for Kun to swallow his pride and lead _with_ him, nevermind the titles and age difference that was barely even there. He should learn to understand Ten better, in order to make the group stronger - _that_ was his duty.

“At least he got to unwind a little. He will be alright”, Ten finally stood up and turned to face Kun. He looked calm, so that was how Kun should feel as well. Because Ten knew what he was doing. Ten was much less irresponsible than everyone seemed to think.

“Can we really leave him here?”

“Of course”, Ten assured him. “this giant baby is not going to wake up before morning and when he does, he will regret ever being born”

“I don’t know how that can be a good thi- ah”

Ten had taken Kun’s hand and spun him around while running out of the room. Kun had to follow him, almost losing his footing and falling headfirst on the floor.

“Next in line for some unwinding - uri leader!”

Kun lost many times in the drinking games. Ten kept laughing at his poor skills, but Kun really didn’t mind it. They played everything from Truth or Dare to some really weird math game (that Kun didn’t understand and just ended up drinking every other second) It was fun, just hanging out with his little brothers and Ten.

Sicheng was the second one to part, walking rather wobbly to his room and only hitting the door frame and wall twice on his way. Even that steadiness was probably thanks to his dance training. Guanheng fell asleep on the sofa quite soon after they had ended the final game, and Dejun, who had conquered the sofa with him at first, crawled from under him and headed to his room. He walked away with far less grace than Sicheng, but he reached the door without tripping so that was all that mattered.

Kun and Ten watched them all go as Yangyang played on his phone on the table, his stare a bit too unfocused to seem sober but way less drunk than anyone else.

Kun decided he wanted to sleep as well - the cleaning could wait until morning. Except, when he reached his and Dejun’s room, he faced an obstacle.

Dejun had passed out on Kun’s bed. Although sharing beds wasn’t new to Kun, he didn’t really like the idea of sleeping next to someone who was going to be sick in the morning, or possibly earlier. The boy might be asleep but he had drunk a lot, a lot more than he should have, and honestly, Kun didn’t feel like playing the role of his gege now. He was still a little tipsy, in a good mood, and that was how he wanted to remain for as long as possible.

Ten took one look at him hesitating at the door, before taking his hand and dragging him after himself to his and Xuxi’s room.

“Ssshh, that’s my foot!”

“Sorry, I- ouch, stop wiggling you’re pulling my shirt”

“Be quiet, you’re going to wake Xuxi”

“Nevermind I’m going to sleep on the sofa”

“No, don’t go, Kun”

“Maybe it was better if I did, it’s late”

“Noooo”

“Ten, let go”

Kun wiggled his arm free from Ten’s death grip, but before he managed to do anything else, he felt something soft on his lips-

Oh.

_OH._

Ten was kissing him.

Maybe it was because of the alcohol in his system, but Kun didn’t push him away - no, Kun closed his eyes and got lost in the feeling that he had been imagining for a moment now. Wait, _had he?_ Ten’s lips were thin but he surely knew how to use them. Kun answered, maybe a bit awkwardly, but still confidently and wanting, all thoughts of leaving or even Xuxi sleeping just two meters away, forgotten.

Ten climbed on top of him and pinned him to the bed. Their hands found each other, their fingers entangling and Ten pushed Kun’s hands above his head. Kun didn’t complain, how could he? Kissing Ten felt amazing - like butterflies had decided to start attacking each other in his stomach. Okay, Ten was his friend and his groupmate and someone he should not mess with, fine _whatever_ those thoughts did swim in his head but none of them could touch him in any way. The only thing that could touch him was Ten.

Ten moved to kiss his jawline, his neck, sucking on the tender skin and breathing in his scent. His hold on Kun’s hands weakened so Kun technically would have been able to move them again, but he didn’t think about them at all. All he could think about was Ten working wonders on his neck, almost making him moan.

Or okay, maybe he did make a sound. It had just been so _long_ since someone had touched him like that, and it felt so _good._

“Don’t go”, Ten whispered against his skin before moving on to kiss his collar bones.

“How could I”, Kun muttered.

They passed out at some point, long before getting to the actual good stuff but honestly, Kun was glad they hadn’t done anything else. It would have been much harder to brush away as just drunk playing.

When Kun woke up in the morning, his right arm was asleep and Ten kept drooling to the back of his shirt. He had a small headache pounding behind his eyes but otherwise, he felt surprisingly fine. For as long as he didn’t get up that was. Kun moved his head just enough to look at sleeping Ten, who had wrapped himself around Kun like a monkey. They were decent, thank god, because someone was looking at them.

“Morning”, Xuxi said and he sounded pretty much dead, for the lack of a better word. He was sitting cross-legged on his bed, his hair messy and eyes still half-closed.

Kun carefully removed Ten's arms and legs from around him and got up, sitting at the edge of the mattress. The headache hit him full force. He felt Ten get up behind him but he didn’t dare to turn and look.

“Good morning. How are you feeling?” Kun asked Xuxi, as Ten got up and walked straight out of the room. They both looked after him, their heads working half the speed.

“Sick, tired”, Xuxi answered, rubbing his face. “Most of all embarrassed”

“Don’t be”, Kun tried his best to smile through his own pain. “It happens to the best of us”

“Yeah, you weren't even that bad”, Ten came back holding two glasses of water and a small box that Kun quickly identified as painkillers. “You should have seen what we did on Johnny’s nineteenth birthday - that was the most legendary night of my life and I don’t even _remember_ half of it. I’ve never seen the EXOs so wild and I had to swear to keep my mouth shut, I saw too much for my own health”

Ten kept rambling as he handed over the water and painkillers. Kun thanked him quietly and swallowed one immediately with water. He felt like he hadn’t drunk water in a million years. Kun questioned Ten’s story a lot, but he managed to make Xuxi smile again so he didn’t say anything.

Xuxi eventually went back to sleep and Kun decided it was his time to leave their room. He tiptoed across the living room where Guanheng was still sleeping, and onto the kitchen where Yangyang was playing with his phone and eating cereal. He took one look at Kun, then down at his phone, and then back up, like he had seen a ghost. Kun rolled his eyes and didn’t pay much attention to him - the damn devil who didn’t even get a hangover - but when he took one look at the bathroom window later, his own face changed into a replica of Yangyang’s.

Bruises. Purple bruises all across his neck and jawline. It looked like someone had really hurt him. Kun touched them carefully and tried to recall feeling any pain the night before. But there was nothing, only the-

Shit, he really had made out with Ten. He had never consciously thought about doing something like that, but yesterday, after Ten had kissed him first, it had just felt right. The best kiss Kun had ever had, even if they were both drunk.

But… now what? Ten had surely just been horny, there was nothing personal in it, right? Ten loved Johnny, tall skinny and handsome Johnny whom he could speak English to. Gorgeous Johnny, who he had spent his trainee years with.

Not even a turtle neck would save him since the damn Chittaphon had decided to attack him so high up. And Yangyang was already scarred for life. Maybe Xuxi as well. Kun sighed and stepped out of the bathroom to face the world once again.

So, by 12 am everyone in NCT knew what he and Ten had been up to the night before. Kun even got a confused message from Chenle asking for an explanation.

It was Ten who gave it in the end. He laughed it off at the breakfast table (that had happened unusually late at dawn, but happened anyway because Kun insisted on it. It was basically lunch at that point but they all needed to eat in order to be able to go dancing in the evening) and he said that it wasn’t that serious. He had looked at Kun for clarification and he had nodded - they had just been fooling around drunk, that was all. Yangyang didn’t look convinced but everyone else did, too hungover to really care, and honestly, what was there to even care about? Guanheng was basically sleeping against Dejun’s shoulder and Xuxi kept checking his phone every five seconds. Ten talked with Sicheng who looked well, maybe the best out of them all. It was all normal, all good. Nothing had changed, right?

Right?


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, I'm back! I'm soooooo thankful for the comments and kudos, and I hope you like this chapter!

Wrong. Everything had changed. Kun could not look at Ten without noticing something different about him, trying to understand why he had wanted to kiss him. Kun’s eyes wandered on his lips, his soft and skilled lips, and he tried to avoid meeting him in the showers because he couldn’t help looking, thinking, ugh.

And Ten was attentive. He saw everything, or that’s how Kun felt. Whenever their eyes met, was it in the mirror during dance practice or while harmonizing in the vocal room, or even bathroom window in the morning when they were both half asleep, there was something in his eyes that told Kun that he knew. He knew that Kun thought differently now.

Or maybe Kun was just overthinking. That was one of his bad habits. But what was clear was, that their eyes met much more often now. And for longer. Kun didn’t know what to think, or how he should act.

So… When in doubt, call your mom!

There was just one tiny problem now.

Calling his mom, Kun had no language barrier he could use to shelter himself from the others. Ten spoke Thai with his parents, Xuxi, Guanheng, and Dejun spoke Cantonese which didn’t hide them from each other but conveniently blocked the older members from listening, and no one could understand Sicheng’s Wenzhou dialect. Even Yangyang had his times when he used the grammar and words weirdly, but Kun wasn’t sure if it was because he was technically Taiwanese, or did he just not care. Kun spoke the most standard Mandarin of them all.

Kun’s Mandarin was the easiest for Ten (and everyone else as well) to understand, without anyone making a conscious effort to be more clear. So, as much as Kun wanted to speak about everything when calling his mother, he had to be careful. Two years ago, when he hadn't needed to talk about Ten with his mother, Ten wouldn’t have understood him anyway. Now that he really needed to open up, the annoying Thai had cracked the code and could understand everything critical.

So, Kun only called his mom after staying over in the practice rooms. The little time that he had between night and morning, he had to use wisely. Luckily, his parents were traveling in Europe again, this time around the Mediterranean, so the time zones played on his side.

_“Ahh Kunkun, how are you? It’s been forever since you’ve called me!”_

“Yeah, I’m sorry about that. I’m okay”, Kun stood up, to walk back and forth in the big room. 

Kun called his parents very often. The only one who beat that was Guanheng, who contacted his sisters every other day. Their relationship was close despite him growing up in a boarding school and SM dungeon, but Kun knew that they had to make a conscious effort to keep it up. The younger loved his family above everything else. The rest of them… They seemed further away. Sicheng had grown up with his grandparents which was quite common for Chinese kids. Yangyang and Dejun called their mothers every other week and Xuxi and Ten even less. There was nothing to be ashamed of, either way, it was just a difference in... values, chemistry, stuff like that.

Kun couldn’t imagine not calling his mother _at least_ as often as he did. His mother knew him inside out. And Kun wasn’t embarrassed to tell her it all. He might be 24, but he had always been a mama’s boy and he was no longer embarrassed to admit it. There was absolutely nothing wrong with being close to your parents, and Kun felt like he owed them that much, having spent most of his time away from them. He was an only child, his parents had put all their effort on him to succeed - he couldn’t just cut them off the moment his life started to go well.

So, the phone call started with his mother asking him the usual: are _you eating enough, sleeping enough, they won’t make you lose weight anymore, right, I’m so proud of you._ Kun walked back and forth in front of the mirror, sometimes looking up to see himself. He fixed his posture and turned his head from left to right. His jawline looked good, no extra fat anywhere. He looked at his nose, something that the makeup noonas always paid extra attention to. The company had suggested he got some surgery done on it, but Kun had refused. He knew that his mother would have hated it if he altered his face, even if it had made him more handsome.

Kun tried not to get affected by the comments thrown his way by the company. What he could improve naturally, he did, but anything regarding surgeries he just didn’t listen to. He was handsome enough to debut, he would never fit the Korean beauty standard and he didn’t even want to. He had long ago accepted that he would never look pretty like Guanheng or Taeyong, but that wasn’t who he was anyway. He was Kun, a little rougher in build and face but that was his charm.

“Mom, remember when I told you about… About Ten and I?” Kun asked when the usual stuff had been talked over. 

_“Mmh, of course. You told me you’ve been getting closer?”_

“Yeah, well… We might have gotten a bit closer than I initially thought”, Kun turned away from the mirror, not wanting to face himself for this discussion.

_“Oh. What happened? Is this why you called me this ungodly hour?”_

It was barely eight o’clock in Spain, his mother would be fine. 

“Well, uh, yeah. I mean, I think there might be something between us, something more than just friendship”

 _“Oh”_ , his mother sounded surprised but not in a bad way. _“And you’re not talking to him about this because…”_

“... Because I don’t know what I want”, Kun massaged his temple. “This - whatever it is - feels so fragile, I don’t want to ruin it by talking since I’m not sure. About anything”

_“Well, that is a difficult situation”_

Kun hadn’t called his mother in hopes of advice. Not really. His lifestyle was so different from his mother’s, who had married his father at 20 and had him soon after. He just wanted to talk to someone, get some emotional support, something like that. 

Back in the day, he used to share his worries with Sicheng. But now, even though WayV members were close, he couldn’t let go of his leader title, even if they were not working. Sicheng kept reminding him that they were only a year apart (technically almost two years, but Sicheng hit him every time he tried to pull that card) but still, Kun couldn’t open up to him like he used to. Jungwoo and Xuxi were his close friends too, but Xuxi was significantly younger than him and Jungwoo… well, he was Korean. Koreans took hierarchy very seriously, Kun felt weird talking to him when the younger looked at him with his puppy eyes, using the word _hyung_ in every turn. The only one now was Ten, and since he had to talk _about_ him... 

_“I still think you should talk to him though”_

“I know”, Kun sighed. “I just don’t know how to start. Or what to say”

 _“You like him”_ , his mother said. _“Why can’t you start with that, and see what happens?”_

“It’s not that easy, mom”, his mother often made everything seem a lot easier than it was. “We’re in a group together. We live together. Mixing love and work is always a big no-no”

_“But you’ve mixed them already, haven’t you?”_

“But it might not be too late to turn back”

Kun’s mother was quiet for a while.

_“I think… I think you should listen to your heart, Kunkun. You’ve been together for years now, you have to be careful but I don’t think you’re alone with your feelings. You should talk to him”_

Kun didn’t ignore his mother's advice. He thought about it and he was usually the one to always push people to talk but… He just didn’t think it fit this particular situation. It was too complicated. 

They didn’t talk. Everything seemed to be running in place and Kun accepted that. He was a coward and he knew it. But the stakes were too high.

Then came a time when he suddenly was separated from Ten. The younger was busy with the SuperM tour and Kun visited home for Lunar New year. They were completely apart for almost a month, and then Ten was off to the European leg of the tour and the whole world was a mess. The less they saw of each other, the more lonely Kun felt, despite being surrounded by the other WayV members and NCT. He felt like something was missing all the time, and that made him anxious.

Was it a heartache, maybe? No, it must be just because his usual schedule was disturbed. Ten was a big part of his life now. But the more Kun thought about him when he was away, the more uncomfortable it became to see him again when he did come back. Because Kun realized that he simply couldn’t brush it all off and call it nothing when it obviously was something. He cared about Ten a lot. When the SuperM tour was done and WayV was complete again, everything seemed to return to normal - everything except for the relationship between Ten and Kun.

They danced around each other. Kun realized he was more hesitant when talking to Ten, checking his words a thousand times in his head before saying them to make sure he sounded alright. Ten spared him more glances. Every time they touched each other, were it during dance practice or in the dorms, it felt different. Kun craved Ten’s touch, he craved his company, and Ten seemed to be just like him. 

Kun called his mother a few more times, and his mother told him to listen to his heart a few more times, yet he tried not to. Ten was a man, in love with Johnny, in the same group as him. He should not pursue this, whatever it was. He should stay as far away from Ten as possible until his feelings died. Kun knew that rationally that was what he should do. But why was it so goddamn hard?

Of course, all they needed was a few days when no one else was in the dorms but the two of them, for everything to change. The Canton three had flown home for a few days, and so had Yangyang and Sicheng. Ten had stayed in Korea because his parents were going to visit him there, and Kun had stayed because he didn’t have anywhere else to go. His parents were getting old and now that they finally were free (as Kun had permanently moved away from home) they were traveling the world together. Kun was happy for them, but that sometimes meant they were across the world when he got his days off. This time his parents were on a Scandinavian trip or something.

That was okay, he had just seen them a few months ago. He could focus on his music and sleep, finally, maybe spend some time with the dreamies who had a fully booked schedule with no days off. Maybe he could go over and cook them something? That sounded awfully domestic and mom-like but someone had to take care of them - otherwise, they would just live off of instant noodles and that was a no-no. 

Well, that had been his plan, and he did do it for day one. Receiving warm hugs and thank yous from the tired dreamies as they basically inhaled the curry that Kun had spent an hour making made it worth it, and not even the Kun-ma jokes could ruin that joy for him. Chenle fell asleep against his shoulder and Kun had to hush them all to their bedrooms before cleaning the kitchen and leaving the dorm. He made sure to prepare some quick breakfast for them as well, and the managers were thankful for him, letting him borrow the company card to buy all of the ingredients. It was only a benefit for the company that the artists ate well.

The next day started the same. Kun knew that the dreamies would only be back very late so he took his time sleeping, then going to the gym, taking a long hot shower, and then lying on the couch, scrolling through his phone, not constantly looking at the clock.

That was when Ten decided to come back. It was only five-thirty, Kun had thought he would be out the whole night. But judging by how Ten kicked his shoes off and threw his jacket unceremoniously to the hanger, his thoughts about the day had been very different as well. He looked indignant, somehow a mess.

“Hey hey hey what’s wrong? Did something happen?” Kun asked, getting up from the sofa. Ten eyed at him, not surprised to see him there, and dropped his bag on the floor. 

“Yeah, most definitely did”, he walked over to the sofa and sat down next to Kun. Okay, so at least he wasn’t shutting him out. That was a good start. Kun didn’t say anything, hoping for him to talk at his own pace instead, because that was what Ten usually did. And that was true this time around as well.

“I… I fought with my parents”, he said. Kun’s eyes widened.

“How?” that was all Kun could say. Ten hugged his knees and he suddenly looked so small and vulnerable. 

“They didn’t accept me the way I am”, he said. “It was foolish of me, to think that they would be different now, but I’ve done so well lately I just thought that maybe it wouldn’t matter? But they were so angry when I told them, we shouted at each other and then I just left”

Ten’s sexuality had always been a burning topic. His family was very traditional, Ten seemed to be the black sheep in every way possible. Ten was usually so strong, Kun could imagine him raising his head high, defending himself when his father yelled at him. But there was a limit to everything, Ten had fought every step of the way to get to where he was now. The world should cut him some slack.

None of his experiences in show business had been able to prepare him for the flat out rejection of his family. Ten leaned his head on his knees, taking shaky breaths that indicated Kun that he was definitely about to cry - if he wasn’t already. Kun wanted to comfort him somehow but Ten’s posture made it hard. Also, he wasn’t exactly sure what the younger wanted in a situation like this - it was a first. Ten had never broken down in front of Kun before. 

“You had to tell them at some point, so why not now?” Kun tried to comfort him, testing the waters. “You’ve been doing so well, they should be able to see that. There is nothing wrong with being gay, Ten, don’t ever think that way. Just… Just give them some time”

The first sniffs broke his heart to millions of pieces. Kun hugged Ten close to himself, and he petted his hair as the younger man cried, of pure heartbreak. Kun just held him, whispering encouraging words to his ear and just letting the quietness embrace them.

They spent the next day together. And the next. Ten didn’t contact his family anymore and Kun didn’t ask. They spent all their time together, in contrast to what they usually did in the dorms. Of course, they had always gotten along but now it felt more domestic, familiar, like they were always supposed to be just like this. Ten would sit on the counter as Kun cooked breakfast. He listened as Kun played the piano, he dragged his Mandarin textbooks to Kun’s bed and studied as Kun played with his phone. Ten followed him around, a few steps behind, kind of like a cat who was constantly hungry for company and affection, but a little too shy to just jump on his lap to directly ask for it. It was kind of cute - _Ten_ was kind of cute.

Yeah, Kun thought he was cute. But he didn’t say anything, because he didn’t want Ten to become conscious of it and change. He liked this new side of him, even if it had come from heartbreak. Ten slept on Dejun's bed, so he wouldn’t have to leave. And Kun didn’t even want him to.

It was the final day of their little holiday when something significant happened. It started just the same, Kun scrolled through the group chat to see that Yangyang and Guanheng had boarded their planes, and they would arrive in the early hours of the morning. Xuxi was on his way to the airport, and Sicheng and Dejun were supposed to arrive later tomorrow. It would be nice to get them back, to get back to normal schedules and work routine.

Still, he dreaded losing this time with Ten - whatever it had been. The boy was lying on Kun’s bed again, doodling something on his tablet. He looked relaxed, finally back to his old self. It had taken a couple of days for him to lose the tension that the fight had left on his shoulders, and the shy cat-like behavior slowly faded away, letting Ten be more himself. More confident again, more talkative and bold. Kun knew that the fight was still pressing him down but he allowed himself to feel happy for how their relationship had changed for the better.

“They’re coming back”, Kun said softly. Ten looked up from his tablet, hair a mess from napping but a small smile playing on his lips. The younger had parted from Kun for the first time in four days this morning, to get some dance practice done while Kun went to check the dreamies’ dorm. He looked well-rested and healthy, and it made Kun happy. Ten looked happy as well, however, something was pulling his smile down a little.

“What’s on your mind?” Kun asked.

“I mean, of course, I’m happy to see them again but…”

Kun let him take his breaks, not wanting to push him. They had talked a lot during the past few days, really getting to know each other on a deeper level now that there was no one else watching them constantly, expecting bickering and leadership. Kun had learned that if he wanted to get Ten to open his heart, he had to give him time.

“I feel like…. There’s something between us that should be addressed. You remember that night a few months ago when we got drunk and I kinda kissed you?”

 _Kinda_ yeah the makeup noonas and managers and everyone in the whole company seemed to have gotten a whiff of Kun’s sudden throat illness that had forced him to wear big scarfs for days - and most of them saw through it immediately. How could Kun ever forget about that? It played through his mind more often than he liked to admit.

“Did that… I mean… what did you think about it?”

“Kissing you?” Kun asked. Ten looked at him, his head tilted to the left a little. “Uh, it was okay, I guess”

What kind of an answer was he even expecting? All words seemed to leave Kun’s mind, even though he had multiple sets to choose from since he and Ten were talking with their weird mix of Mandarin and Korean again. Ten stretched on the bed unbothered as though they were having just a normal, mundane conversation. 

“Okay”, Ten answered, sitting up. “I was just thinking… That maybe… uh, why is this suddenly so hard? I mean, I think I have feelings for you, Kun, and I was wondering if, maybe, you had some feelings for me as well?”

Ten was brave, Kun had to give him that since he had never directly told him that he wasn’t 100% straight. Although, he knew he hadn’t been all that subtle anyway. Kun didn’t know how to answer, because a simple yes didn’t seem nearly enough and Ten looked so vulnerable. Kun reached out to pat his hair down and Ten smiled a little. Then, a thought struck Kun and he had to ask.

“But what about Johnny?”

Ten tilted his head again confused, obviously not having expected that question.

“Johnny? What does he have to do with anything?”

“I thought you liked him?”

Kun knew very well that he sounded jealous, and like a high school student or something but he had to know. He couldn’t do anything with Ten knowing that he was just a second choice. Kun had a healthy amount of confidence, but love made him vulnerable. 

Ten kept looking at him like he was searching for something on his face. Kun let go of his hair but Ten grabbed his hand. Kun looked down, Ten intertwined their fingers and spoke again.

“I don’t have anything going on with Johnny”, he said slowly. “I never did and I never will”

“But I thought you loved him?”

“Kun, no, why would you think that? Johnny is as straight as a ruler anyway”

“Yeah but you-”

“Kun”, Ten said strictly and Kun finally looked him in the eyes. He looked so serious. “I’m trying to talk about _us_. Forget Johnny, he doesn’t matter.”

“O-okay”, Kun still felt like Ten wasn’t telling him the whole truth but whatever. He was right there in front of him, _confessing_ to Kun. He should be happy, so why was he looking for faults all the time, reasons for why Ten couldn’t be honest and why they couldn’t be together.

Maybe because… because letting go was scary. Because then Kun couldn’t be in charge anymore, because he didn’t know what was coming next. He couldn’t plan anything.

“So?” Ten’s cheeks were a little red, he looked adorable. 

“So”, Kun quenched his throat. “I have feelings for you too, Ten. Of course, I do.”

Ten's smile grew.

“That’s, uh, good to hear”

They were quiet for a while, and Kun didn’t know what to think of it. The silence wasn’t that uncomfortable - he and Ten shared a lot of silences normally - but there was tension in there. Ten kept looking at him with his big eyes, in his big hoodie, sitting cross-legged on the soft bed… Everything about him just was so _attractive_. Ten had always been gorgeous in his own, almost overwhelming way, but now he was sitting right there, wanting Kun just like he wanted him.

It was crazy.

And Kun had never really liked craziness. But he liked Ten. 

Ten was always an exception to him. Always had been and always would be.

He didn’t know what he should say. Maybe he should tell him it all - he just wasn’t sure if he would be able to do it without sounding too cheesy. He would never reach Dejun’s level of corny but with Ten looking at him like that, he might say something stupid. He couldn’t think straight.

Ten came a little closer until their knees were touching. He cupped Kun's face in his warm hands and he felt his cheeks blushing. Ten touched him so gently, as though he was made of porcelain. Kun had always been the one to kiss the girls, and treat them like fragile flowers. Being treated like one was new. But Kun liked it.

He closed his eyes as Ten leaned closer, and the moment their lips touched, electricity ran through his body. They stayed like that at first, completely still, just their lips pressed together. It was gentle and sweet, loving almost. Like they were in their own universe on Kun’s unmade bed.

After a few minutes or possibly hours, Ten moved his lips a little. Kun followed his movements a bit shyly at first, but he relaxed to the kiss quickly. It didn’t feel awkward at all like he remembered first kisses usually being (well, this technically wasn't their first... But Kun didn't like counting the ones had when he was drunk). Instead, it felt familiar and safe, as though he had done it many times before. Ten parted his lips a little and Kun licked over his lower lip, and the younger pressed his body closer until he was sitting on his lap.

There was a very tiny voice in Kun’s head that reminded him that they shouldn’t be doing this. That they were crossing boundaries that should never be crossed. Ten was a man, Ten was his groupmate, Ten… fit in his arms perfectly and his tiny gasps for air as they parted worked wonders in Kun. He felt warmth spread in his stomach and blood rushed south. 

Ten gently placed his hands on Kun’s chest and pushed him, so Kun’s back came to contact with the mattress. He kissed Kun softly, and it was easy for Kun to mirror whatever he did. It felt so wrong yet so right at the same time, Kun’s hands carefully touched Ten’s sides and the younger shivered, before deepening the kiss.

The longer it lasted, the more passionate it became. All thoughts flew away from Kun’s mind until only Ten remained. The way his lips felt against Kun’s own, his warmth and smell and lingering touches, his weight on Kun, pressing him down, but still so light that Kun wouldn’t have any trouble picking him up and carrying him wherever he wanted to.

Kun felt himself getting harder by the minute, and he tried his very best not to pay any attention to it but Ten just kept moving on his lap and _damn_ it felt so _good_. A soft moan left Kun’s lips as Ten rolled his hips just right - and intentionally - and the younger dared to smile against his lips.

“Oh god, Ten, what am I going to do with you”, Kun whispered from between his teeth, as Ten started kissing his neck. It was much less sloppy than the first time, and he seemed to know what he was doing. Kun didn’t know, not at all. 

“I don’t know, what _are_ you going to do with me?” Ten was feeling mischievous like he usually was, only now he was attacking Kun with his lips rather than his words. It fit, in a weird way. Maybe the sexual tension had been a part of their relationship for longer than Kun had thought. He didn’t even feel sorry for it.

But he had to think. He wasn’t all that sure if he was ready for wherever Ten was going with this, even though his body was basically screaming at him to _fuck something right now._ They were moving too fast, Kun was still the leader who had to stay level headed yet there he was, kissing one of his group mates. 

“This is not a good idea”, he tried to convince Ten, but it wasn’t really working since he didn’t believe in it himself either, and he gasped in the middle of the sentence. Oh god, that was embarrassing. “We are group mates, friends, this is a terrible idea”

“I know”, Ten whispered against his skin. “The worst of them all”

Ten slipped his hand under Kun’s shirt and that was when he froze. Ten felt that immediately and pulled his hand away, finally creating some space between them - or, as much as he could, not getting off of Kun’s lap.

“Sorry”, he mumbled. “Are you okay?"

“Yeah yeah, I just”, Kun was panting, his heart running dangerously fast in his chest. “We can't... I don't know, Ten, oh god”

"Are you saying no to everything, or can we trick the world a little?"

What? Kun looked at Ten with a questioning look on his face. Had he mixed his words again? Ten’s Mandarin was getting better but he still made mistakes constantly. When that happened, Kun usually tried to fix the sentences for him but this time his head was simply empty. Except for _TenTenTenTenTenTenTenTenTenTenTenTenTenTenTen-_

“I mean”, Ten started again. “I know this is a bad idea. But I care about you Kun, so much, I just don’t care about anything else. I don’t _want_ to care. I want you, Kun, however you want me, and we can deal with the world later”

“Okay”, Kun’s vocabulary wasn’t very advanced tonight either. “I want you. Maybe just… Let’s just take it slow, yeah?”

“Slow, okay. Let's go slow. We have time”, Ten leaned down to press kisses on Kun’s neck again. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know it's cheesy and overly sweet but I CAN'T WRITE SLOW BURN I'M SORRY. Also, I know that I tend to make the characters really feminine in nature but this is the way I wanted to tell the story. Kun can call his mother. Ten can wear oversized hoodies. xtcyvgbnjm 
> 
> Okay, I probably have to re-read and possibly edit this chapter later, I'm writing this very late at night right now and the ending just doesn't feel right. I still wanted to post it now though (talk about impatience). But stay tuned for the next one, it might take a bit longer than this one did but I have a few things still planned. Stay safe everyone!


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi again everyone! First things first, I want to thank each and every one of you who left comments and kudos - I felt so happy for the first time in a while.
> 
> Another thing: sorry for taking this long. I got really sick last week and am only now recovering. This is the WORST time to get sick I tell you all, even if it’s not the evil C disease, you STILL fear it is and the hospitals are going crazy. I’m getting better now, slowly but steadily. Everyone please please PLEASE be really careful if you have to go out.
> 
> Anyway, that’s that. I know you’re here for one reason only:  
> Here is chapterrrrrrrrr THREE!

The fact that Ten and Kun were _them_ now, remained a secret for approximately two days after everyone had returned to the dorms. The way people found out was Ten’s fault, 100%, Kun had no part in it.

They were going through their old choreos in the practice room. The current world situation being what it was, there was not much to look forward to (as in no festivals or other performances in the near future) but it was important to keep their memory fresh. Anyway, after an hour of tiring practice, they finally had a longer break.

“I’ll go get more water. Do you want some?” Ten grabbed his bottle from the floor and Kun offered him his own. 

“Yeah, if you don’t mind. Thank you”

Ten leaned over to kiss the corner of Kun’s mouth before leaving.

That had been so casual, Kun didn’t even realize what exactly he had done before turning to look at the others. Guanheng and Dejun were staring at him with wide eyes, but they turned away quickly. Kun felt a blush creeping to his cheeks but he decided not to say anything because the others didn’t seem to have noticed the exchange. It was nothing, really, no reason to panic.

The practice ended as normal, with no more… incidents. Guanheng and Dejun stayed quiet, so Kun thought it would be alright. He had no reason to confront them about it. 

And then they got their phones back after practice and _boom_ , everyone knew everything again. 

Kun should have expected the news to spread like wildfire since Dejun and Guanheng were some of the worst gossipers in the whole group. And they were loyal to no one - well, Kun hadn’t exactly forbidden them from telling anyone what they had seen. But even if he had, Dejun might have kept his mouth shut but Guanheng would have let something slip sooner or later.

Once again, Chenle texted him asking if what he had heard was true _(Like, are you and Ten totally a thing now or is Heng just making things up)._ Well, extra points for him for source criticism. However, Kun wasn’t going to provide Chenle any information that he would, in turn, spread forward. Kun wasn’t ready for the whole of NCT to know the fragility of his and Ten’s relationship.

He had talked to Ten, kind of. But what had they agreed on, exactly?

Uh.

In the dorms, Kun and Ten stayed in separate rooms, still. They didn’t talk about it, and Kun felt like moving in together would make everything so much more serious, he wasn’t sure he was ready for that. They would have to explain it to the managers, and that was risky. Hiding something like this from the managers was difficult because they were basically everywhere all the time (they even slept in their dorms during promotion periods) and getting their blessings would make their lives so much easier. But Kun wasn’t sure if he was ready to face that yet, take his chances.

They kept hanging out in Ten’s room, just like they used to. The only difference was that now they were more physical. 

A lot more physical. Ten was so hungry for touch and that made Kun needy as well. They leaned against each other while talking about the day, Ten would touch his arms and squeeze his thighs if he was feeling particularly teasing. They would make out on Ten’s bed every now and then, and Xuxi learned quickly to knock before entering. 

Kun and Ten weren’t exactly trying to keep anything a secret, but showing affection in front of the children didn’t feel natural. They saved the physical side of their relationship to the times when they were alone.

Or, as physical as they got.

“Ten”, he gently put a hand on Ten’s chest. “Not now”

They had conquered Kun’s studio sofa this time. Well, it wasn’t exactly Kun’s studio, just one of the SM studio rooms that Kun liked to use because the equipment there was superior to his own. Many artists had used it before him - Chanyeol, Lay, Amber, even some members of Super Junior - as well as the usual songwriters, and Kun had eyed the sofa in there with narrowed eyes. He didn’t know all the things that had happened in the dimly lit studio but he would rather not touch the stained piece of furniture that was like straight from a questionable casting room.

All of that had left his mind when Ten had come to visit him, bringing with him some coffee and even more thirst. The younger had pinned Kun to the sofa and attacked his lips with so much hunger, Kun simply couldn’t say no. 

Except, for some things.

“Ah, okay, sorry”, Ten tried his best to not look disappointed. He never asked why Kun always pushed him away, and although Kun was thankful for that, it made him anxious. Ten would always ignore his own sexual frustration in favor of what Kun wanted. Kun wondered how long it would take before the younger got tired of it.

“I just… I don’t want to fuck you on a sofa that I know someone else has had sex on as well”

Kun still made sure to provide an explanation every time, even if Ten would see right through it. Ten got off of him and helped Kun get up as well, and the younger, despite his breathless state, already had a smirk on his face.

“Who do you think has slept on this?” He asked, and sat back down on the said sofa as Kun moved to sit by the sound table. The room was small, they barely had a meter between them.

“I vote… Baekhyun”, Ten continued, as he rubbed the fabric on the sofa. “He has totally smashed Chanyeol on this”

The more he talked, the more disgusted Kun felt. God, he would have to wash his clothes and shower the minute he got back to the dorms.

“Oh god, Ten, what the hell?”

“The man is a monster”, Ten said, finally looking up to Kun again. “I’ve learned things about him that I didn’t necessarily want to know”

“I’m sure you have. Don’t share them with me”, Kun turned to save his still unfinished work. He did NOT want to talk about his seniors’ sex life with Ten, even if Ten (and apparently Baekhyun himself) was chill about it. Ten had always looked up to Baekhyun but now that they were in SuperM together, his eyes were basically shining every time he talked about him. Baekhyun was so perfect, unlike-

Stop. Kun had sworn to stop comparing himself to others. Ten had chosen him. He might look up to their sunbae a lot, and he might have had a thing for Johnny in the past, but none of that should matter. Kun would never be like Baekhyun or Johnny and Ten had still chosen to be with him. He was alright as he was.

Although, he should maybe learn a thing or two from their seniors. Kun had never considered himself a prude but the more he heard about the hook-up culture from inside the company, the more he started to question his stance.

He just… he just wasn’t ready yet.

Kun read fan theories online. He saw what people wrote about them, about the most popular ‘headcanons’, and many expected him to have lost his virginity already. 

If he put aside the weirdness of complete strangers debating over his sex life… He probably could have, yeah. He couldn’t say he had exactly been the most popular boy in high school or college, but he had had a fair amount of people wanting to be with him. If he had met the right person back then… probably. But he hadn’t. Now he was 24 and unsure of basically everything.

Now, although he wanted to, he felt insecure. He couldn’t really say why it was - it wasn’t like he didn’t have confidence in his body, or that he feared he would make mistakes. Because Ten would understand that. Maybe it was because Kun wasn’t really that familiar with… how it would be like with a man. And maybe that was the one final boundary between him and Ten, and crossing that would mean stepping into territory he had no idea how to navigate. 

It was one of the first times in his life when he couldn’t call his mom to ask.

He couldn’t even talk to Ten about it. Kun knew very well that they were both adults and that it was natural, but he felt embarrassed somehow. Like he should have overcome these things in the past already. Talking about intimacy felt so awkward. But that didn’t mean he still didn’t want to, he just… He just...

Argh, it was so annoying. He could watch Ten from afar, admire his body as the younger stretched in front of the mirror, completely lost in his own mind before having to give his all to practice. Kun would watch Ten doing basically anything and get lost in thinking… but when the younger turned to look at him and touched him, Kun pressed the brakes out of reflex.

So, after some time, Kun simply decided to swallow his anxiousness and talk to Ten about it all. He was wasting time and honestly, Ten was a handsome guy, he had a great form and he was very charming. He could get anyone he wanted and he wouldn’t wait forever for someone like-

Kun. _You weren’t supposed to think like that. At all._

Oh god, he had to do SOMETHING.

That something was… well, he may or may not have made sure that he and Ten shared a hotel room. Yeah yeah, Kun knew what it sounded like but he had genuinely just wanted to share some time living with Ten again, without five pairs of ears and eyes following their every move. They could really spend some time talking again, to really make sure they were on the same page about everything and maybe Kun would finally explain to him why he behaved the way he did and...

In reality, Kun found himself with a lap full of Ten the moment the door closed behind them.

“Ten, we need to talk”, He tried, as the younger kissed his neck. Ten hummed in response but didn’t show any signs of actually listening to him. That was normal, in many cases, the things that Kun wanted to talk about were useless, like how _this is not a good idea oh my god Ten not in the vocal room, anyone could see us”_ but this time Kun knew that his topic was valid.

“Ten, please, this is important”

“Mmh okay”, he still kept his lips against Kun’s skin but he stopped moving, at least. Thank god. 

“What is it?”

“I, uh”, _COME ON KUN IT’S NOT THAT FUCKING HARD._ “I want to talk about s- sex”

“Oh”, Ten sounded surprised. “We don’t have to have any if you don’t want to”

“No, it’s not that”, Kun shook his head and he felt his face get redder by second. “It’s just that I’m a virgin, Ten”

Ten finally pulled off, but he didn’t get far. Still sitting on his lap, he leaned back just enough to look at Kun’s red face. Kun felt so small under his stare.

“Ohh, that explains a lot”, Ten finally said. “I mean, I wasn’t expecting that, but now that you said it, it makes perfect sense”

“What is that supposed to mean?”

“Nothing, nothing, just that I was wondering why you were so shy”, Ten said the last word with a teasing tone. Kun looked away, embarrassed, but Ten touched his chin gently to lock eyes with him again.

“It’s alright, Kun”, he said, gently. “You’re so cute”

He sealed his words with a soft kiss on Kun’s lips, and Kun felt like his heart could burst at that. He deepened the kiss and pulled Ten even closer to himself, on the still covered hotel bed with only some dim light coming from between the curtains. And, as usual, it didn’t take long before Ten had his hands all over Kun and they fell down on the bed.

And Kun knew what he wanted, and that he was in the right hands.

“Ten”, he gasped when they separated for air just for a second. “I want to do it with you”

“Are you sure?” Ten asked as he leaned down to suck on Kun’s lower lip and straddle him tighter with his thighs. “You don’t have to, we can wait”

His words and his actions didn’t match at all. 

“Yes, I’m sure”, or, as sure as he could be. Ten made him so horny.

Ten rolled his hips against Kun’s, making them both moan. It was hot as hell, damn his dancer body was driving Kun absolutely mad. Oh god, Kun wouldn’t be able to wait for too long, yet he never wanted him to stop.

“Okay”, Ten made everything sound so _dirty_ , his wet lips were shiny, inviting. However, Kun couldn’t reach them yet, since the younger took that time to pull off his shirt. He peeled it slowly off his torso and threw it away, the light played on his toned chest and stomach. That lean, delicious stomach with tight muscle under the hot skin. 

Kun gulped.

“Have _you_ done this before?”

“Yeah”

“What, when?” Kun had no reason whatsoever to be surprised. But… Ten had joined the agency at 17, and he had never told Kun about an affair or anything. Kun hadn’t even heard any rumors. “With whom?”

“NOT with Johnny”, Ten said strictly and leaned down again. Kun felt teeth against his neck as Ten left open-mouthed kisses everywhere. “Can you stop? You’re ruining the mood”

“Yeah okay sorry”, Kun gasped. “I’m just so nervous”

“Don’t be”, Ten pulled off to look Kun in the eyes. His eyes were so black and hungry, but Kun saw love in them too. Tenderness. He had never thought he would be in the receiving end of that but now that he was, he never wanted to let go. He cared about Ten so goddamn much, he felt like he could burst right there. 

When Ten spoke again, his voice was soft.

“Let me take care of you”, his hand slipped under Kun’s shirt and Kun, having expected that, didn’t freeze but instead relaxed more. “I’ll teach you”

And that was what he did. Although they had been impatient at the start, they slowed down and Ten kept his word, taking care of Kun. As they undressed every layer between them until they were as close as they could possibly be, Kun felt his nervousness vanish. Ten touched him, so carefully, and talked to him with such sweet words, Kun could let go entirely.

It was nothing like in the movies he had seen. It was so much better than that. Even though they weren’t exactly smooth and kept slipping and making small mistakes, they could laugh it off together. There was no uncomfortable tension between them, they kept kissing and touching and whispering and chuckling and enjoying every moment they shared, even if it wasn’t picture perfect. It felt so good, fun, being so close, and learning together. Kun had never thought that sex could be something like that - penetration itself was only a part of it. The most important thing was sharing this moment with Ten, the one he cared so much about and wanted to make feel good in every way possible.

They spent the night in their own universe where the only thing that mattered was each other. Kun felt not only physical pleasure but also love, deep in his heart, for the other man who was right there, the closest he had ever been. He felt content in so many ways - maybe that was why it was called making love? Kun wasn’t exactly sure how to put his feelings down to words but there was a lot there. Many good feelings. The way Ten touched him made fireworks go off all over his body, and hearing the younger gasp for air and moan when Kun did something right, set off even more of them.

Kun reached the highest of heights, with the man he had fallen for the hardest.

Even after Ten had fallen asleep, Kun kept stroking his hair and watching his face. Was it creepy? Nah, he was just admiring his features. His long lashes that rested on his cheeks like raven wings, his sharp nose, and soft lips. He looked so calm and innocent sleeping on the white covers, so different from what he had been just half an hour ago. But it wasn’t like what they had done would make them dirty.

How could an act of love make anyone dirty?

Kun pulled the covers just a little higher to cover Ten’s shoulders properly. Like this, the younger was only Kun’s to see and hold, to keep close. He didn’t need to share him with anyone else, this picture was only his to see.

Kun wasn’t a possessive person but… that made him happy.

They returned to the dorms the next day and the following morning Kun was feeling energetic and cheerful so he got up early and headed to the kitchen. He drank his morning coffee in peace and then prepared breakfast for everyone, something he enjoyed doing but hadn’t had the chance to, in a while. He cooked eggs and rice, some soup, something for everyone. Kun hummed the melodies he had come up with the day before, he opened the blinds to let the autumn sun in, and he greeted the people coming to the kitchen.

“Morning Yangyang, did you sleep well?”

The younger just looked at him with a blank expression, and walked past him to the fridge, to drink yogurt straight out of the package before Kun managed to stop him. Sicheng arrived after him and he at least answered Kun’s greeting, even if a lot less enthusiastically. 

That was fine. Nothing could bring Kun’s mood down today.

“What’s gotten into you?” Guanheng asked, rubbing his face as he sat next to Yangyang by the table. Kun placed a filled plate in front of him as well, just like he had done for Yangyang, Sicheng, and Xuxi before him. “It should be illegal to be this happy this early”

“It’s ten o’clock, Guanheng”, Xuxi rolled his eyes, like he wasn’t currently sleeping against the table as well.

“Thank you for the food, Kun”, Sicheng said with a loud voice. “We are all very thankful”

“Kun ge is making food?” Dejun peeked his head into the kitchen. Kun smiled - it had never before been this easy to wake them all up. Maybe the smell of fresh food was the best alarm clock after all.

“Yeah, I am. Sit down Junnie, I’ll fill your plate”

“But what’s the occasion?” he asked, very carefully sitting far away from Guanheng, nevermind they had come to the kitchen just a minute apart. Was there something fishy there? Maybe? But Kun knew better than to dig into something so personal. Even if they didn’t.

“Can’t I just treat my favorite didis every now and then?” He asked while lapping food on the plate.

“Since when have we been NCT dream?”

“Did someone mention _Dream_?”

“No, Xuxi, no one did”

Kun placed the plate on the table and turned around to fry more eggs. There was only one more person missing from the kitchen, and then they would be a whole unit again. Kun ignored the children’s bickering and focused on getting everything done.

Should he go wake Ten up or something? He could crawl to his bed and kiss him like a sweetly romantic partner that he totally wasn’t - wouldn’t that be nice? Ah, no, he couldn’t. He still had food on the pan and he couldn’t trust any of the kids with the task, not even Sicheng. Kun’s cooking was Kun’s to make, only. And besides, Ten was a light sleeper. The cheerful chatting of the kitchen would wake him up soon.

Kun was right. Not even ten minutes later, Ten waltzed to the kitchen to join the rest, who were still far from finishing their food. They were moving at zombie speed because they were not in a hurry - vocal practice would only start at two pm and that didn’t even involve all of them.

“Ahhh you’re the sweetest Kunkun, cooking like such a good boy”

“No prob- ah!”

Ten slapped Kun’s ass and pressed a kiss to his cheek before moving to the fridge. Kun squeaked with an uncharacteristically high voice and almost slapped him with his hot spatula. Ten only laughed when record-making red blush spread on Kun’s face as he turned to look at the kids, who took two seconds to process what they had seen (or, heard and interpreted, according to location) until the shouting began.

“Oh my god!”

“In the kitchen of all places!”

“My eyes!”

“What the hell!”

“Eww”

“We have children here!”

“No, actually we don’t”

“I AM a CHILD and I did NOT want to see that!”

Ten only laughed loudly with no shame and smacked Yangyang at the back of his head.

“You’re just jealous, brat”

“No, I am NOT”

“Can you guys shut up? It’s too early in the morning for this”

“It’s LITERALLY ten o’clock”

They continued chatting like they used to. Kun could finally calm down a little and sit by the table as well, his own breakfast in front of him. Ten was bickering with Yangyang and Guanheng had his head on the table. Dejun was typing something on his phone and so was Xuxi. Everything was normal, even if he and Ten were… kind of together.

The chatting got louder and louder, as usual, when everyone slowly woke up. Sicheng nudged him after a while and leaned down to speak to him quietly. 

“Are you sure about this? Are you happy?”

Sicheng had grown up with very traditional values and if Kun was completely honest, he had feared his reaction the most. Sicheng hadn’t commented anything on the hickey case, and he usually stayed out of all discussions regarding… _relationships_. He didn’t openly judge others for what they did or felt but Kun had no way of knowing what he actually thought. 

But Sicheng had asked first, this time. So he could trust that.

“Yeah, I am”

“That’s all that matters, then”, Sicheng smiled and patted Kun’s arm. “I’m happy for you”

 _Happy_. Kun was very happy as well. Seeing them all get together like they had been made to live just like this, with each other, aiming for something bigger and better. Ten locked eyes with Kun over the table and Kun felt happier than probably ever before. He had a job he loved, he had support, he had love.

If only he could stop the time to that morning. When everything was clear, easy enough, and nothing was just about to fall again.

But he couldn’t. Time kept running and it waited for no one. 

Summer ended and the autumn winds threw the winter upon them earlier than ever before. Year-end shows and comebacks kept then busy and before Kun knew it, they got covered in confetti and people kept patting his back violently.

_“Kun-ge is officially half fifty now everyone! Congrats you old man!”_

Renjun joined WayV that year. Chenle followed him soon. They brought a new sound with them, the whole group became more vocal rather than rap based and Kun liked it, being able to compose more complex melodies for them to try out. They weren’t really getting more popular but they were popular enough, being able to bring home just enough money to be worth promoting. 

However, SM was starting to struggle financially, as their most popular groups didn’t resign their contracts and ventured out to the world without them.

Soon, good enough stopped being enough. The power balance between WayV and the rest of NCT kept getting bigger and bigger and although Kun tried his very best not to let it affect his friendship with the Korean members, it did anyway. And he wasn’t the only one feeling it. The imbalances in payment and work distributions became obvious, NCT 127 was getting more comebacks and sponsor deals, when WayV was living off of crumbs, working their asses off whenever they got the chance but still getting basically nothing out of it.

Finally, Xuxi filed a lawsuit and left. Dejun fell ill and couldn’t keep up anymore, so he was basically kicked out after a long hiatus. Guanheng broke down and Yangyang’s constant smile wore off and changed into something else - A tired frown. Renjun applied to university in hopes of getting a career that would hold him up while the rest of the group kept falling and drowning. Chenle started a solo career.

Everyone was struggling, the whole of SM was shaking and none of their newer groups could keep them afloat the way that their previous groups had in the past. A member after another left NCT, the Korean members joined the military one by one and Kun tried his best to smile at those rare interviews that they could get, despite knowing that the media and SM itself blamed them for their crash. 

The NCT project, where WayV belonged to, had never been enough. Kun had never been enough as a leader. He hadn’t been able to keep Xuxi in the group, he hadn’t reacted quickly enough to keep Dejun there. He hadn’t been able to lead his group into success. He had failed everyone.

It felt like a trainwreck that dragged on for years. Suddenly Kun was 29, living alone and only waiting for his contract to expire in order to finally be free. His small apartment was his only, but it definitely didn’t feel like that. Yangyang spent a lot of time there, and so did Guanheng and Chenle. The dreamies came over every other day. Sicheng came over, they would drink soju and wonder what went wrong. Xuxi came over secretly, Kun seemed to be the only member who had forgiven him, except for maybe Mark and Jungwoo who only envied him for being able to break free. Mark had three overlapping contracts that he could never get rid of. But at least he had work and a solid fanbase, unlike Kun and many others. Many, many others.

And Ten? Ten had stayed, despite everything. He could have left the sinking ship like Xuxi had because he had the means to do that. He would have survived on his own. But he hadn’t done that. 

Instead, he watched the world fall down with Kun. But their relationship took a hit - what had started as sweet, changed into desperate attempts to escape the reality. They fought more than ever, both of them frustrated and bitter for seeing everything fall down into pieces before their eyes. They took their frustrations out on each other, they had sex, then they screamed again and exhausted each other to sleep, they never made up anymore really, not with words anyway, because what good did it do? Ten’s foot got worse and worse, he couldn’t dance like he used to, and Kun knew that made him more depressed than anything else.

There were mornings when Kun woke up alone, despite not going to sleep alone. Ten was like a shadow that loomed around his apartment, disappearing at the sight of the morning light. Their relationship was defined by convenience since they belonged to the same group, still, so it wouldn’t raise weird rumors if they were spotted together. Ten would never hurt him intentionally. 

When everything else kept falling apart, Kun wanted to secure his heart. At least.

But Kun couldn’t say they were exactly together. They had never confirmed that. The question had lingered on his tongue many times at the start, and he saw its reflection in Ten’s eyes whenever they lied next to each other late at night. But neither of them had said anything aloud, and as time went by, Kun saw less and less need to talk about that anyway. They fell into a routine. Maybe they had gone through the discussion at some point, but they had just not used their words to do that. Maybe their sweet touches had been enough? Maybe staying together for so long had been enough?

They hadn’t exactly talked when things had fallen down either. They had never decided to stay further apart and see less, it just happened. When Ten got his MC jobs and other variety performance offers that kept him on the road, he texted less and less. He came to see Kun whenever he needed to let off some steam, and Kun always had his arms open for him. They texted every other day, then every other week. 

Maybe Kun could love him like this. Maybe he didn’t need to hear Ten say anything, maybe he could live with the knowledge that since Ten always came back, there had to be something there. Ten was like one of those stray cats who would come close for as long as you stayed completely still. Kun could do that. He was used to waiting.

Just like it felt like Ten was thousands of kilometers away when he was standing right beside him. Even when Kun was the closest he ever could be to him, when they hid from the reality in his small apartment and intertwined their bodies so that you couldn’t tell when one ended and another began, Ten seemed so far away. Every time that they had to part, Kun’s heart ached more.

He missed him. All the time.

But speaking those words aloud felt wrong. Those words were like shattered glass falling on the finest silk that they wrapped around themselves to stay close. Their kisses started to taste bitter, the one feeling Kun had tried so much to suppress. 

Kun had made the thickest rope he could to tie them together. But maybe he was just a spider, and although his webs the toughest thing in the world, Ten could just pull away easily. Because he was so much bigger, living in a world so much wider than Kun. Kun never saw him leave but he was always just gone.

Maybe the dark clouds would pass and the happiness would return to him again.

Maybe they would be alright, through it all. All Kun had to do was wait.

And maybe that would be enough.

Maybe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story has changed a lot lately. It was going to be much more depressing, like the last part of this chapter that you saw (which was actually one of the first things I wrote for this whole story). I know many of you probably change your opinions of this story because of this chapter but let me tell you - I have one more chapter planned. Don’t lose hope.
> 
> Also, I didn’t want to change my original story idea. I struggled a lot with this chapter and in the end, I feel like I simply got blind at my own text (since I’ve been working on it for so long) so I just left it like this. I take criticism, just don’t be mean about it :)


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shout out to my ex who taught me what life could be like when you don’t know when to let go! What do I mean by that? Remember to read till the end, this is the final chapter after all! LET’S GO!

“Have you heard of Xuxi lately?” Chenle asked. He was lazing around in Kun’s apartment, once again, as if he didn’t have a house of his own that was bigger and at a better location.

“Yeah, I heard that he and Yuqi finally got engaged”, Kun answered, not raising his eyes from his laptop. He loved Chenle, but that didn’t mean he had to spend every second entertaining him. Chenle was a big boy, about to turn 30 this year. If he had to come and bother Kun every other day, he was welcome, but Kun had work to do now. Chenle had hit it big as a ballad singer but Kun’s story was a bit different.

WayV had finally disbanded in 2026 after their contracts expired. NCT as a product still existed and some members still published songs and occasional mini-albums under the trademark, but most of the members had ventured out to do different things. Kun was one of them.

He was currently working as a producer for a sister company of SM. He would always recall the idol life as the best time of his life and the peak of his youth, however, over seven years in the spotlight had been more than enough for him. He enjoyed spending his days like a normal citizen, walking around and not fearing sasaengs, and brushing his soft, naturally black hair. He also no longer needed to dread looking in the mirror in the morning, fearing for more wrinkles. He was in his thirties, not old yet but not all that young anymore either. The years were allowed to show on his face, he embraced the maturity and soft lines that they left in his features

And he didn’t have to make a constant effort to hide what was going on in his life anymore. The world had changed a lot, and so had Kun. He was sometimes recognized on the streets but it was so rare that it was actually kind of nice whenever it happened. People kept telling him how much they liked his music and how they used to be his fans when they were younger. The hate was nowhere to be seen anymore, only the love remained.

And the friends that he had made along the way. They remained as well.

“Well, yeah, but the rumors say that there was a reason for that. Apparently, Yuqi is pregnant.”

“Oh, really”, Kun wasn’t even nearly as shocked as Chenle seemed to be. “He didn’t tell me anything about that when I last called him”

“When did you even call him last, six months ago? I bet you read the news on Weibo anyway”

“Don’t act as if you didn’t”

Xuxi was still busy, probably the busiest of them all. He had already been gaining attention as a member of NCT and WayV but once he left them both behind, his popularity simply exploded. He was a beloved variety face and a model in mainland China now, and one of the few NCT members who had returned back to their home countries (and gradually forgotten all Korean he had ever learned, making it difficult to keep in touch with his past friends. But he didn’t really keep in touch with the Chinese people either)

“But, like, I’m surprised he wasn’t the first one with an unplanned pregnancy”, Chenle still continued and Kun closed his email. He had sent the demos to his boss and now he only had to wait. Maybe they would flat out reject his creations, maybe they would fall in love with them - Kun had become quite good at predicting what their reactions would be like but he still got nervous every time.

“Jaemin dealt with that quite well though. He seems happy now”

“Isn’t that the most important thing”, Kun finally closed his laptop and grabbed the bag of chips from Chenle’s hand. If only his fans knew what kind of a pig he was behind closed doors... They would probably like him even more for being such a super idol. He never gained weight, no matter what he did.

Kun had been so envious of that, not only of him but most NCT members who seemed to never have trouble with their weight. He used to be on a diet constantly and still struggle. He had been so happy to let it all go and welcome the softness that seemed to naturally cover his body. He was never fat - just not skinny enough for an idol.

“I promised to make lunch for you, so stop snacking!”

“Okay, Kun ma”, Chenle rolled his eyes and Kun hit him at the back of his neck. That nickname seemed to never die. Not even after most dreamies had gone to the military and Jaemin had managed to get his girlfriend pregnant at the ripe age of 23. Not even Jisung was a baby anymore, yet Kun never stopped being Kun eomma to them all.

“Ah, anyway, I was thinking that if he does have a huge wedding, we should go and perform there. Dejun is totally in, and Renjun promised to think about it so what about you?”

“Are we even invited?”

“Of course we are! Come on, it’s Xuxi”

“Okay, sure. I’ll think about it”

Chenle squealed with his seal voice before typing a text on his phone - probably to Dejun. Kun shook his head and leaned over the sink to wash his hands. The food wasn’t going to prepare itself.

“Oh, right”, Chenle looked up from the phone when Kun had mindlessly cut the carrots and was moving to the radish. “I heard from Dejun, who had heard it from Renjun, who had actually listened to a phone call made by Guanheng who was totally not talking to Sicheng about Yangyang telling him that.... Wait, who told him? Was it Jungwoo? Anyway”

“The point, Chenle”, the other always rambled when he wasn’t sure of how he should say something.

“The point”, he mimicked Kun. “Is that Ten has been asking about you.”

“Asking about me?” Kun was unsure of that. He hadn’t heard from the other man in years. “Why would he do that?”

“I don’t know, why do you usually ask about other people’s wellbeing?” Chenle rolled his eyes. “You and him used to be close, why are you suddenly so hostile towards him?”

“I’m not hostile”, Kun hit the cutting board a bit too hard with his knife before taking a deep breath. Hearing Ten’s name now, and during the past few years, had set anger off in Kun’s heart. They hadn’t parted in bad terms, they hadn’t exactly fought, they had just… fallen apart. Just like everything else. Kun had been so hurt, he hadn’t done it on purpose but he understood that treating his memories with anger rather than sadness would hurt far less.

And he was allowed to think whatever the fuck he wanted now. He didn’t owe anything to anyone.

“I just think” Kun started again. “That he should have asked that straight from me”

“Maybe”, Chenle stood up and reached past Kun to steal a piece of carrot before Kun managed to drive him away. “I don’t know what’s going on with you two, don’t shoot the messenger”

“I’m not”, Kun did hit Chenle but that was for a whole ‘nother reason. If he kept eating the ingredients then there would be none left for the stew.

“Uh huh”, Chenle sat back at the table with the food he had stolen. “Anyway, I think someone along the chain told him you’re doing okay and stuff, I just thought that might as well tell you”

“Gossip, you mean”, Kun chuckled. “But thanks, I appreciate it”

Chenle played with his phone and let Kun do the rest of the preparations in peace. By the time they had food in front of them and Chenle had basically inhaled most of the noodles, the younger squealed at his phone again. His ability to make everything dramatic as hell was one of the reasons why Kun enjoyed his company so much (although he wouldn’t admit that out loud). His habit of speaking with food in his mouth wasn’t one of Kun’s favorites though.

“Dejun is coming to Korea next month!” he said enthusiastically and waved his phone in front of Kun who couldn’t read anything because the phone was moving too much. “I’ll book us a practice room and we can jam just like the old good times! And prepare our performance for Xuxi”

“Oh, you were serious about that”, Kun muttered, but Chenle had already returned back to typing.

“Okay so, you totally have to come then, I’ll text you when and where! Oh, and can you pack the rest of the food for me? I kinda should be back at the company in… 15 minutes?”

“You should have told me that you had a tight schedule” Kun rolled his eyes as he got up to look for containers. This wasn’t the first time, nor would it be the last, that Chenle was running around with no concept of time.

But he kept his word. Kun got a text telling him to come to one of the biggest SM practice rooms in two weeks. When the day came, Kun realized that he had conveniently forgotten to ask who exactly was coming (as in, would Ten be there as well) but he decided to suck it up and just go and see.

And soon enough, he was standing behind a familiar SM practice room door, listening to the people bickering inside.

“Should we sing something from Twilight?”

“We are NOT singing Sleeping At Last”

“But it’s a wedding song…”

Kun pushed the door open quietly, to see who had arrived. Dejun and Renjun were bickering by the piano and Yangyang was playing with his phone, as usual, even though the usual picture that Kun was imagining was from almost ten years ago. Sicheng was stretching in front of the mirror. Kun could see no one else so he relaxed and walked in. The younger ones didn’t all even realize he arrived, but Sicheng smiled and announced it.

“Look who’s here!”

Renjun and Dejun turned away from the piano, and the older of the two got up with a wide smile on his face. Kun hadn’t seen him in two years, because he lived in China now. Even before that he had only visited Korea every now and then, when his health allowed him to. He looked much better now, with flesh over his bones and the wrinkles in the corners of his eyes deep from laughter.

Oh god, Kun has missed him so much. But saying that out loud to him didn’t hurt one bit.

“Ahh Dejun, it’s been so long”, Kun hugged him tightly and the younger answered that. Losing him had hurt so much at the time, but knowing he was doing okay now made Kun happy. They texted and called every now and then but living worlds apart made keeping up the friendship difficult.

“Yeah, it really has”, he sounded like he was close to tears. Dejun got more sensitive with time so he might as well be.

“How’s your family? And Mei?”

Mei was Dejun’s girlfriend of a few years that he always talked a lot about. Quite many of them had found their better halves during the past few years, some had to go through more people to settle down and some were still looking, but each time Kun heard of a new love being born, he became really happy. Love had been so strictly forbidden from them during their years at the top… They were now enjoying it fully. Even though Kun wasn’t, he had no trouble being happy for others.

“Good, all good. And Mei is… she is great”, Dejun had a dreamy look in his eyes and Renjun hit him. The younger seemed to have an allergy to Dejun’s corniness.

“Have you proposed yet?”

“No, not yet”, Dejun looked a bit sheepish. “I want it to be absolutely perfect”

“Of course you do”

Kun smiled until his cheeks hurt that day. In the end they didn’t get anything prepared but that was alright, Xuxi could probably hire some fresh idol band from China to perform (or just watch as they got in line to do that for free for him) and Renjun announced early on that he was going to be pissed drunk in the party anyway so he wouldn’t be able to sing a damn line. It was okay, the “let’s prepare a song for Xuxi’s wedding” thing was only an excuse to get them all together and Kun couldn’t be happier about it. And he didn't have to meet any unpleasant people either, so… it was a perfect day!

Until... Well… They decided to go and continue their night to a nearby restaurant. It was fun, Chenle got them a private table from the back and they fried some good beef and passed bottles of soju around. Dejun drank the least but he seemed to get drunk first anyway - Dejun got tipsy simply out of the happy atmosphere and he leaned against Guanheng, like he had all those years ago.

For the longest time Kun had wondered whether there was something there. Between them. And maybe there had been, who knew. But both of them had obviously grown out of it and were now living like proper citizens should, not holding on to random affairs they had had during their times under huge pressure and brightest spotlights. They weren’t like Kun, they had known when to let go and move on with their lives. They had been so much stronger than him…

Alright Kun switched his bottle of soju to water.

“Heyyo yall guess who has a free night tonight!” Chenle yelled over the loud chattering that the six of them had been able to cause, waving his phone in the air. “Tennie hyung! He said he just finished his radio show and would like to meet!”

“Omg invite him here!” Dejun downed another shot and reached for the phone that Chenle was trying to hold very high up. They fell down (not very far though, since they had all been sitting on the floor to begin with) and their giggles were loud enough to alert a waitress who peeked to the small room concerned. Sicheng assured her that they were alright.

“I totally will, if it’s alright to you… all”, Dejun climbed off of Chenle as the younger spoke. Chenle pointed a look at Kun that no one could miss.

“Yeah go ahead”, Kun nodded. “I was just about to head home anyway”

“Nnnoooo if that’s the case then we won’t invite him at all”, Chenle whined. Kun really didn’t feel like meeting Ten now that he was still having a good time. He would rather go home and let the rest of them party with Ten, especially Dejun who hadn’t seen the older in ages. But he was met with protests.

“You don’t even have to talk to him! There’s enough of us to keep you two occupied, don’t ya worry at all”, Chenle’s words were slurred just a little too much to be convincing but Kun gave up anyway. He was still in a good mood and he was an adult for god’s sake, he wouldn’t escape Ten just because they had… well, they hadn’t even parted in bad terms! So what really was the problem here?

“Okay okay, I’ll stay!” And the youngsters (all in their thirties now) cheered like children. Oh, the joys of intoxication.

They couldn’t stay in the restaurant as it closed at 10 pm but they continued their night to a nearby bar, where Chenle’s (and Ten’s) identities would probably stay hidden well enough and they could drink all night long. Sicheng parted from the rest at that point and although everyone yelled after him and called him a traitor, they forgave him. Because it was Sicheng, and everyone forgives Sicheng everything. Weak. Kun paid for the first round of drinks and the rest was history.

Or he wished it would have been. Because way too soon, a familiar face entered the bar.

“Ten!” Guanheng spotted him first and stood up to wave at him. Kun turned to look as Ten walked to their table with the grace only he possessed. He was still the same, skinny as hell and his posture proper and beautiful, nevermind he couldn’t dance anymore. Dejun got up from where he had been next to Kun and stumbled to hug Ten as Chenle laughed loudly. The picture was so familiar yet strange at the same time.

“Aah how long have you been drinking already?” Ten laughed while struggling with his arms full of Dejun. “One would think you’d grow up but no”

“We were preparing for Xuxi’s wedding!” Dejun answered, not really answering Ten’s question. But that didn’t bother him one bit. He simply sat down, leaving Dejun between Kun and him, and laughed more when Guanheng stretched over the table to pour him a shot.

The younger ones kept their promise. Kun didn’t need to talk to Ten. He just observed as the other joined them as though they had never been broken at all, joining the conversation and teasing like they had only talked the day before. Maybe some of them had.

Ten didn’t look like he was in his thirties - he hadn’t aged a day in five years. Maybe he had gotten fillers or something, the plastic surgeons and doctors were really great nowadays. But even Taeyong had started to show signs of aging. Apparently normal laws of nature didn’t apply to Ten though. Little strands of bleached hair were peeking from under his black cap but otherwise, he looked completely unchanged from when he had walked out of Kun’s life.

Kun had known that already though. He had watched some of the shows that Ten was in. He was a popular variety face, singer and dance instructor in Korea, even more so abroad. Although he could no longer dance for a profession anymore, he hadn’t left the spotlight. He just did different things now.

In a different world.

The younger ones wanted to go bar hopping, of course, and Kun got dragged with them. He was in too deep to say no. They moved to a club where the music played too loud for them to sit at a table and hear each other, so all they could do was dance and drink. So, that was what they did. They were no longer in their early twenties so everyone knew well enough to drink some water in between, without Kun having to remind them constantly. He actually didn’t need to look after them at all. And that left him… completely unoccupied.

“Hey, Kun”, oh, right, Ten was there. “How have you been?”

Kun looked at the deep dark eyes that were glowing in the colorful lights of the club. Ten and him were still at the bar while the others had already run away to dance and drink and disappoint Jesus in other ways. Ten had to lean very close to Kun to get his voice heard, and Kun instinctively did the same.

“Living life”, oh god, Kun hated small talk. “Nothing new. You? I’ve seen you on TV”

“Yeah, shooting has kept me busy. Life is… life is good”

Kun nodded and gulped down the rest of his drink. If he was going to have to talk to Ten, he did not want to be sober for that. And neither should Ten be. He wanted to have fun, they could do that much.

“I’m happy to hear that”, and despite Ten being so close to him, he had to scream over the music. Oh god, his throat would kill him tomorrow, thank god he didn’t have to sing for a job anymore. “My life is good too”

“I’ve missed you, Kun”

There. He said those words. Those words that had been forbidden in Kun’s heart - Ten just threw them in the air like that, lightly, like… like saying them didn’t mean the world to him. Maybe it didn’t, maybe those words just meant less for Ten.

When for Kun, missing Ten meant missing a part of his life. Without it, he felt restless and empty. Ten surely hadn’t meant that, but

“I’ve missed you too”

Kun had. For a second, he thought he saw a reflection of his feelings in Ten’s eyes.

But then the younger turned away and the moment was broken.

“Where did the others go”, Ten wondered aloud. Kun turned to look behind him but he couldn’t see anyone of their group of people. Renjun, Dejun, Guanheng, Yangyang, Chenle…

“They’ll come get us when they want to switch again”, Kun said, hoping it was true. He touched Ten’s arm to get his attention back to himself.

“In the meantime… can I get you a drink?”

Bad idea. Bad idea. Bad bad bad BAD idea. The slight amount of alcohol in his system (or not even that small anymore) was already affecting his behavior but he didn’t really feel like dancing to be honest, and he really had missed Ten a lot. He could use this moment to catch up with him like he had wanted to many times before but hadn’t known exactly how he should contact him again. He had been lost in his own head, okay, but now that they were both out drinking… Why not use this time? Ten didn’t look like he was eager to run to the dance floor either.

A smile spread on his face.

“Sure”

By the time the younger ones found them, Kun was bright red from both laughing and the alcohol. He was sitting with Ten, in a far corner of the club, drinking whatever the hell it was that Ten had asked from the bartender, and chatting just like no time had passed at all. Ten told Kun the funniest outtakes from his shooting sessions and Kun shared Chenle’s gossips with him (so, he became a gossiper now? wow)

“We’re gonna switch bars, you coming?” Renjun asked. Only Dejun was heavily leaning on Guanheng, but otherwise, they all looked okay. Chenle reached for Kun’s drink and took a huge gulp out of it, but Kun didn’t even mind.

“Of course”, Ten stood up and only wavered a little. Kun laughed and steadied him, despite being just as intoxicated as him. They made it out of the bar and as Renjun and Chenle made plans for where to head next, Guanheng announced he was taking Dejun home - or, wherever he was staying, probably at Guanheng’s place anyway. Dejun looked half asleep already so everyone bid their goodbyes with no unhappiness in their voices (also, because it was Dejun - no one could really be mad at him. Dejun and Sicheng had always received special treatment) and once they were out of sight, they all headed to another bar.

Ten might have taken Kun’s hand, maybe, but no one really paid much attention to that.

The next club was even louder than the earlier, and talking was even more difficult. A series of colors and touches and glances, Kun realized he was way too far gone with the alcohol but he didn’t even really care anymore. The heat of the dance floor wrapped around his skin and the feeling was inviting. He wanted to touch, to feel alive again like he had a long time ago. Ten was right there, looking at him with those eyes that he had fallen for all those years ago. He wanted to be his again.

Oh god, he was so drunk.

And Ten was so fucking beautiful. He was so lucky to have him there, so close to him.

When they got out he had no idea of who even was present anymore. All he could sense was Ten, everywhere. On his skin, in the air of his lungs, filling his whole body and soul with his presence, as though he had never left in the first place. Kun was faltering, his steps not following any kind of rhythm. He laughed and held on to Ten who wasn’t doing any better.

“Wanna go continue the night?”

Ten whispered to his ear and pressed a kiss under Kun’s ear. Kun gasped and lost his footing, hitting his back against a wall but he didn’t even feel any pain. The cold night air was trying it’s very best to clear his head but Kun was way too far gone for it to be successful.

Everything about it was wrong. How Ten could just appear out of thin air and suddenly Kun was falling. He had sworn he would never again cause that much misery to his heart. Yet there he was. All negative thoughts about Ten disappeared and only his love for him remained.

_Listen to your heart, Kunkun._

He wasn’t exactly sure which part of his body it was but something in him was screaming at him to accept the offer. Maybe it was his heart. Maybe just his dick. Whatever, he took one look up to the gray and black, cloudy night sky and accepted the offer.

They took a cab together and Ten told the driver Kun’s address - of course he remembered it, having spent so many nights there. Ten kissed him in the cab, not caring at all that he was still a celebrity and that they were both men. But neither did Kun care. He wrapped his arms around Ten’s neck and got lost in the feeling of having him close.

And when they got to his apartment, Ten didn’t even need any lights to navigate to Kun’s bedroom. His touches felt so familiar, he knew Kun’s body, he knew where to touch to make Kun forget about everything else.

Even about the pain in his chest, the utter feeling of helplessness. The feeling of sadness, because deep inside Kun knew that the moment wouldn’t last. Ten had needed one night to open all wounds again, and although Kun couldn’t feel the pain yet, he knew it would come. And he couldn’t do anything about it. All he could do was open his mouth for Ten’s hungry kisses and open his arms for the man he still cared so much about

When the morning sun woke Kun up, he started at the sleeping Ten for a while, just like he had used to all those years ago. The only exception was that now he had a pounding headache behind his eyes and a pain in his soul that he knew he had caused himself. Being with Ten had felt so wrong, yet so good at the same time. Ten was a force of nature that Kun had no idea how to deal with.

Ten moved a little in his sleep and Kun decided that it was the right moment to get up - and rush to the bathroom to throw up since he had drunk way too much last night and he wasn’t young anymore. Maybe he also cried a little while doing so, who knew.

The rest of the morning he spent biting his nails, walking back and forth, banging his head to the wall and tapping his fingers against the table. Ten took awfully long to wake up but Kun really really really didn’t want to talk to him so it was okay. Except it wasn’t because he would have to talk to him sooner or later. Waiting was torture. Since when had it been like this with Ten?

Ever since they had fallen apart, probably.

Ten woke up, eventually. And Kun made sure that he had water and painkillers ready for him, when he did.

“Thank you, Kunkun”, the nickname slipped from his lips so casually, one would think their lives were very different. Kun watched as he drank the whole glass at one go and leaned down on the sofa they were both sitting at. He was wearing the same clothes as yesterday, of course, and his platinum blonde hair was pointing at every direction possible. Kun fought the urge to pat that down.

“Listen, Kun”, Ten started after a while. “I’ve really missed you a lot”

The more he repeated that sentence, the less value it held. It had felt bittersweet as he had whispered that against Kun’s skin the night before but now, as he was sitting there next to Kun looking thoughtful, Kun felt like escaping. He was happy to hear those words now that Ten was sober because that meant that it hadn’t just been the alcohol talking - however, there was that lingering but there that made him anxious.

“Yeah?” Kun tried to encourage Ten to continue before saying anything of value himself. Having a conversation was a two-way road and he shouldn’t expect to get anything without giving something in return but…

“And, um, I was thinking if you wanted to return back to where we were? Like, together?”

No. Kun didn’t want that. He has thought of the possibility the whole morning while walking around nervously, but if he was sure of something in his life, then it was this. He couldn’t watch Ten run around without him, only to return when he wanted something. He didn’t want to fight with him again, he didn’t want to feel the hopelessness again that had always lingered above their relationship. Maybe it wasn’t their fault that it was there in the first place, but they were at fault for letting it affect and hurt them.

Kun had grown. He knew that they were both at fault, not just Ten. And he really cared about Ten, but he couldn’t be sure of what he wanted anymore. They were getting older and while just fooling around had been enough when they had been in their early to mid-twenties, it couldn’t be anymore. They were both nearing their mid-thirties and if they ever wanted to settle down, they should start looking for a partner now.

Ten had so much love to give, he would be an amazing husband and father. Kun didn’t want to stand in the way of that. Their affair had dragged on for too long and yeah, the way it had ended hadn’t exactly been healthy but it was over now. Last night… Kun had to admit to himself that last night might have been a mistake. Kun couldn’t be selfish anymore.

“Kunkun? Say something”, that damn nickname that was only reserved for family. And Ten, who was glued to his heart and ripping him off of there would be painful. He had thought he had done it already. Apparently not.

Kun took a deep breath.

“I don’t know if it’s a good idea, Ten. Idol affairs... They are usually mutually forgotten, because they are wrong in all ways possible and really, all they ever were… were ways to escape from reality. Convenient, to get rid of sexual frustration.” He knew he was rambling but Ten was looking at him with an unreadable expression and he didn’t really know how he should say everything without saying too much. Kun used to be good at talking. But Ten had always been an exception.

“But we fell apart years ago, Ten. You have your career, we’re getting older and you should start looking for someone… Someone you could actually be with. I don’t want to just fool around with you. This was never just sex for me, I don’t want to get my heart broken over nothing, I can’t do it anymore”

Ten just stared at him for a while. A long while. Kun felt so fragile and vulnerable, he didn’t dare say anything else. Instead, he waited.

“Woah”, Ten said quietly. “You should know that I don’t care about any of that”

He knew. Ten had told him many times before. However,

“You might change your mind. Or regret it later. I don’t want that”

“Are you saying that for me or for yourself?”

“It’s different for me”

“How?” Ten was challenging him. “If I just say that I sincerely want you back, and want you to think for yourself only - what would you say?”

Yes. _Of course_ he would say yes. No, he wouldn’t. Wait, would he? He wanted Ten back, but could he ever really have him again? Like they used to be, when they were still considered to be in their early twenties. It was so good back then. Could it be like that again? Then why hadn’t it stayed that way? Ten was still under so many spotlights when Kun was not, and two men being together still wasn’t okay in Korea. It would probably never be. And maybe it was selfish but Kun didn’t want to live in the shadows forever either.

But he still wanted…

“Do you really want to spend the rest of your life hiding? Because being with me would mean just that”

He was listing excuses. But why was he scared? When had he ever had to be scared with Ten? Ten was reading him like an open book. Because Kun had never been good at hiding his emotions from the Thai.

“You really don’t believe I’m sincere, do you?”

“It’s not that”, Kun felt uncomfortable. “I just don’t think it’s a good idea”

“You didn’t answer my question”

_You know that the answer would be yes._

Ten stared at him and Kun felt like hiding. It had been a bad idea - no, this was a discussion they had to go through if they ever wanted to be in touch in the future. Kun didn’t want to leave grudges behind, least of all with Ten.

“You don’t believe me”

Ten got up with a determined look on his face.

“I wanna do something, now that you’re still with me. Come”.

Ten didn’t really leave Kun with a lot of options. He took Kun’s hand and squeezed it, and that was the point Kun knew he would follow him wherever he wanted to go. Ten led him out of the apartment and started walking. Kun followed a step behind him, and didn’t dare say anything. A few blocks away was a busy shopping street, that was where Ten finally stopped. There were people already, and some of them glanced at Ten curiously. He wasn’t wearing a face mask and his brightly colored hair stood out.

He really shouldn’t be out on a street like that. Maybe he wasn’t as popular anymore among the youngest generations but he was a very familiar face, still. Especially with the hair, people would simply expect him to be a celebrity and take pictures in hopes of selling them to Dispatch or whatever and getting tons of money.

But Ten didn’t seem to care about that. They stopped in the middle of a busy street and Ten turned to look at Kun, finally. There was fire burning in his eyes.

“Kun”, he said. “Kiss me”

“What?” had he heard wrong? Kun looked left and right to the people passing them, to the dozens of coffee shops that had big, wide windows that people could see them from. A couple of girls had already stopped, around ten meters away, obviously having recognized Ten. They had their smartphones ready, those deadly weapons that could ruin Ten’s career in seconds.

“I need you to kiss me”, Ten repeated louder and Kun shook his hands in front of him, trying to make him quiet down.

“I heard you the first time - are you _insane_? What good would that do?”

“I don’t care what they think about me anymore”, Ten said matter of factly. “I’ve let them control my life for way too long and I was a coward. I don’t care anymore, and if this is what it takes for you to believe me, then ”

“You’ve lost your mind”, Kun shook his head and turned away. “It’s not only you that they would hurt here, you know? Did you ever stop to consider what it would mean for me? For my life?”

“I, uh”, no he hadn’t. Kun felt anger burst in his chest.

“You’re… You’re always so fucking selfish Ten, you just show up one day and decide that you want me again, and I should just… just say yes”

“No, that’s not it, I thought you wanted me as well? I’m just proving myself to you”

“This is no proof, this is just you not caring at all what happens. You’ve always been like this, and I had to be the one who always stressed over these things. You have no idea what I went through, always waiting for you to return when it was convenient for you!”

“How could I have known when you never told me how you felt! You never told me anything!”

“And whose fault is that? You never wanted to listen! You came to me in hopes of escape and I gave you that, how could I have added to your burden then?”

“I never told you that was the reason, you made that up yourself! How can you think so lowly of me? I thought we were supposed to be partners who share their burdens but you have these… these weird thoughts that you never let me in on! You don’t even give me a chance to prove that you’re wrong!”

“Made that up? You made it quite obvious! I didn’t want to be just a place for you to escape to when you couldn’t stand your life!”

“You never were! You let me go so easily, I thought it was you who didn’t want me anymore! You were always so passive anyway, how do you think it made me feel?”

“Passive? You knew you were my first in all ways possible, you said it never bothered you! Did you lie to me?”

“Not any more than you apparently lied to me!”

They were fighting again, just like they always did in the past. They used to fight about the stupidest things, something that didn’t even matter but this was something else entirely. This was personal. But the pain was still there, and Kun wasn’t backing down before the rest of that had been burned.

“I never lied to you! I was more honest than I’ve ever been to anyone, and you just threw it all away when you got bored”

“That’s not true! You know that’s not true!”

“What is true, then? I’m so tired of being only a booty call for you, I always threw my feelings away for you!”

“I never asked that from you!”

“But I did it because I loved you!”

Love. Loved. That was the first time Kun admitted loving Ten out loud.

“I loved you”, Kun repeated. He never would have thought he would say those words out loud like that. And that they would hurt so much. Ten froze and Kun felt the ice fill his heart as well. He couldn’t take that anymore, so he turned around.

“Kun, wait-”

“I don’t want to hear it”, Kun felt tears in his eyes. “Just leave me alone”

And with that, he walked away.

All the way to his apartment.

Alone.

The next day, he got up. The air was gray, his coffee bitter, his work mediocre, the winds cold.

The next day was just like the previous one - dull, lonely, empty.

And the next.

And the next.

Chenle texted him but he was too busy to visit. Promotion period. Dejun flew back to China and Guanheng posted a selfie with him at the airport. The winds were cold, Kun’s apartment too warm, the traffic too noisy and his alarm clock too silent. Well, he could afford to oversleep every now and then.

“I mean, he was crazy I’ll give you that”, Sicheng muttered as he lit his cigarette - it was a challenge on Kun’s windy balcony. Smoking was a bad habit he had picked up during the final years of WayV, and not even Kun had enough power to make him stop. “But Ten tends to be dramatic”

“I don’t know”, Kun sighed and leaned down so that Sicheng would light up his as well. Another reason for why he hadn’t exactly forced Sicheng to stop was that it would be hypocritical. Kun himself had picked up an unhealthy habit or two as well. “I don’t want any more drama in my life”

“But you obviously want him”, Sicheng huffed. “He’s the only thing you’ve been talking about the past week”

“But I don’t want to go through that again”

“Through what, exactly?”

“I’m not sure. Maybe… I don’t want to be left behind, again”

Sicheng hummed deep in thought. Kun took a deep drag off his cigarette - it tasted awful, he should quit - and looked at the busy street under them.

“You’re both idiots”, Sicheng said. “Why do you have to make it so damn complicated. If you're happier together then just be together, and try not to make his decisions for him.”

“I don’t-”

“Yes, you do. You’re not a leader anymore, stop acting like one”

Sicheng’s words echoed in his head for days after that.

Another gray day came.

And another.

His songs were boring at best. He apologized to the company and promised to do better.

He didn’t bother going jogging. He only drank coffee for breakfast and walked on the gray streets half asleep. His empty and gray routine had never felt quite as unsatisfying.

Until it was broken again, by an aggressive knock to his door.

Kun knew exactly who it was. He counted to ten (haw haw) and walked to the door, to face him once again.

Ten was standing there, in the hallway, looking gorgeous as ever even though he was wearing a black cap that covered his hair and a face mask that was pulled under his chin. He was indeed holding a bouquet of flowers, red roses in fact. The image was like straight from one of the overly sweet dramas Kun had totally not spent his nights watching.

If Kun said that he hadn’t wanted to see Ten, he would be lying. Because Ten had been messing with his heart for the past few days, maybe years, and he never seemed to get a break. Seeing Ten like that at his door made his heart perform weird flips in his chest but Kun knew better than to get too happy. He didn’t know why he was actually there. He wasn’t ready to go through what they had in the past - he couldn’t do that anymore, live in doubt and uncertainty.

“Hi!”, Ten said, lifting the bouquet. “I’m sorry to bother you again, I promise I’ll be gone after this, just… just hear me out.”

“Okay”, Kun had been thinking of this moment coming the whole week, and he had come up with different scenarios but he hadn’t been able to prepare for any of them properly. Everything that Ten had said was running in his head, everything that Sicheng had said was running in his head, the whole world just kept running against walls and Kun was hopelessly lost.

But Ten didn’t look all that confident either. He swallowed and kept his eyes in the bouquet.

“I’m sorry, Kun. I missed you like crazy and I’m sorry”

“For what, exactly”, Kun knew that it was his time to say sorry as well, but he wanted to know Ten’s motives first.

“For… for leaving you like that. For not treating you right, for being an ass the other day… I don’t know. I feel like there’s a lot there”, he chuckled but there was no joy in his voice.

“In that case, I’m sorry as well”, Kun said quietly, still looking at the roses but not daring to take them. “I did many things wrong”

“We both did”, Ten sighed. “I guess we were both immature”

They had been. They still were. They had screamed at each other in an open street where anyone could hear. Kun hadn’t seen any articles of Ten in the popular stalking sites (ahem, fansites) but there had been spectators. Everything about that had been wrong. But it was a discussion that had been long overdue.

“Is that all?” Kun asked.

“Yeah”, Ten nodded. “I just came to say sorry, and I hope we could stay in touch in the future, with no uncomfortable tension between us. I’ve missed having you in my life. I think we could figure it out as friends, right?”

Ten pushed the flowers to Kun’s hands and he finally took them. Friends didn’t give each other roses. Or did they? Kun knew nothing about flowers. And Kun had no idea how he could ever again see Ten as just a friend.

Kun stared at him for a while. He didn’t look all that happy about it either, like this was just a plain “compromise” that he had come up with and was now trying his best to assure Kun that he was fine with it. Kun had never been at the receiving end of flowers either, being with Ten had always been a set of firsts for him that he had never imagined he would get. And the more he thought about it, the fewer reasons he found to say yes.

He didn’t want his heart to break again. But he couldn’t see himself giving his heart to anyone else but Ten. He could take a risk - they were older and maybe, possibly wiser as well. He could allow himself to be weak with someone, because Ten made him strong in return.

They completed each other. They had always had the ability to do it, but they had ignored it all in favor of doing what was easy. Having each other the easy way. But they could change.

_Listen to your heart, Kunkun._

“No”, Kun said. “I don’t want that”

Ten’s expression changed into sadness so Kun hurried to explain.

“I just mean that I don’t think I’ll ever be able to be your friend again. I care about you too much. I’m sorry for being so difficult the other day, I just want what’s best for you”

“But that’s not-”

“Yeah, I know, I should talk to you instead of trying to figure those things out by myself. I’m slowly starting to learn that. So… if your offer still stands, I’d be ready to try”

A pause. Ten eyes Kun with an unreadable expression for the longest time, and Kun started to fiddle with the flowers uncomfortably.

“Really?” Ten finally asked, smiling a little. “You mean it?”

“Of course I do”, Kun said. “I still care about you, Ten, and I want to try again”

The smile spreading in Ten’s face was so familiar, it set on a fire in Kun’s heart. Just like his hands felt familiar on Kun’s cheeks, as he tilted his head and kissed him again. Kun smiled to the kiss and stepped back, to lead Ten to his apartment, safe from his stalking neighbors.

From an outsider’s point of view, nothing had changed. But for Kun, everything had. He didn’t need to escape the reality with Ten anymore - this was his reality, and he wasn’t afraid to live in it. Ten was a part of Kun that he could never get rid of. He never wanted to get rid of him. Ever again.

It was kind of funny how it had taken them so long to figure it out. Maybe they still weren’t 100 percent sure, but that was okay. They would find a way and grow together, they would find each other in the end because that’s what they always did.

Because Kun and Ten… they were something different.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I. HATE. THIS. I had a vision for what I wanted this story to look like but nothing I wrote felt right. I’ve re-written this chapter so many times I just wanted to give up but I couldn’t, I fought and beat it up so many times and this is the result. Here. I’m done. I got a little bit of inspiration from my own life but unfortunately, I only have experience of unhealthy relationships (I’m also nowhere near 30 thank god) so I don’t really know how love works. I'm SORRY if it sounds unrealistic. I just wanted a happy ending.
> 
> Oh god, okay. Thanks for reading everyone, thanks for your support, this has been a journey. I’ll see you around! <3

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! Leave a comment or click the kudos button if you liked it (You guys inspire me to become a better writer!) Stay safe and healthy everyone, we'll get through these difficult times if we work together! I'll see you later <3<3<3


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